I had a conversation with someone the other day about why I journal and blog. To put it as frankly as I can… I suffer from ever-so-frequent bouts of forgetfulness. Through the ups and downs life’s journey brings… I forget the ways God’s been good in the wonderful times… and I forget the ways God’s been ever present through the hardest of times. This morning I was re-reading some blog posts I had written in 2008 during the time when I was re-entering the United States after being a long term missionary for almost a year with YWAM. I found this post startlingly relevant right now and I just wanted to re-share it with you today… hopefully it brings you hope and spurs you on in your pursuit to find God…..
“Through tears, over the phone, Betsy said, “I’m in a rut and I don’t
know what to do.” We had been having an ongoing conversation about how
life back home is hard….not like living at the castle. It’s been
almost a month and a half since I’ve been home in the US and I’m not
gonna lie, it hasn’t been easy. Many people warned me, “People won’t
understand when you tell them about your trip”….and “life is not going
to be the same because you’re not the same person as you were.” These
were valid concerns for someone coming back into society after a long
journey in a God-seeking closed environment….but I don’t think any
number of wise words can prepare someone for “re-entry.”
Watched Prince Caspian last night and I love how they used this scene
right out of the book….they’re walking through Narnia trying to find
the path that will lead to Prince Caspian and the Narnians and Lucy
sees Aslan for a split second across the gorge. She is so excited, but
the excitement dies when he disappears before anyone else can see him.
Peter asks her “why is it you can see him and no one else can?” Her
reply just gets me…. “Maybe because you’re not looking.” Ouch. After
seeing that, I remembered Betsy and my conversations of late….and
feeling like having the same relationship with God here in the US is
about 100 times harder than having one with him in the castle or on
outreach. For some reason, being in an environment that breeds passion
and encourages blind zeal for the Almighty, life with God is easier.
He seemed to be in my life more, I seemed to hear Him better, and
others were doing the same so it wasn’t hard to find someone to have
those conversations with….and it wasn’t a strange sight to see someone
randomly pick up a guitar and worship God in the middle of the
hallway. Some days I feel like Peter asking “why is it I could see him
there and not here? Isn’t he everywhere? What am I doing wrong?”
…Maybe it’s because I’m not looking as often and as readily as I
have been and could be. Maybe it’s because I need to be more like
Lucy.
The past 7 months came and went and I still remember the turning
points in my journey like they were yesterday. I remember leaving
LAX…terrified and not wanting to leave the comfortable. I remember
arriving in Herrnhut at the castle and being so homesick and
uncomfortable, I just wanted to go right back home. I remember the
moment I felt more at home in the castle with Heinrick the cat
snuggling with me unexpectedly. I remember mini outreach in Cologne
and finding out first hand that God does hear my prayers and He
answers them too…word for word…never how I expect. And I remember
going on outreach to Thailand and coming back a different person than
when I had left. I remember this all like it was yesterday and it’s so
hard to comprehend that I did all of that and that I’m home once
again. People have asked me questions like “how was it?”… “what was
your favorite part?”…and “tell me a story.” And I’ve found that it’s
so hard trying to find an answer to those questions without unpacking
the whole ball of wax…if you get my drift. I experienced so much, saw
so much, learned so much, met so many people, I have so many stories,
and I’ve been so many places…and it’s all tied together. So finding
and giving answers in digestible portions has been a challenge for
sure….and moving to the “what next” portion of life after all of this
has been rough.
I’m still not sure what’s in the future. Prayed about it and all I got
was “wait”…which is juuuuust great. Love waiting. (total sarcasm) But
in the now, as Betsy and I and the others are slowly getting our
footing in our old world with our new hearts and minds….I feel like
Prince Caspian, this timeless C.S. Lewis book, describes life so well
right now. We’re kings and queens of old, but often we forget it.
We’re made for something more…we ache for that sense of purpose…and we
desire so much to be used for something bigger than the ordinary. The
horn has been blown and help is needed. The work is a lot and the
workers have always been too few. Living in two worlds has helped me
see what life can be….living as that queen I was created to be….and,
on the flip side, being broadsided by all the growing up and learning
and life in the real world… so much that I forget to be like
Lucy…waiting and watching always…finding God in everything and always
ready for the magic. I can’t help but think that God is here, and I’m
just missing Him because I’ve been busy looking for other things like
direction and a job and an answer. Maybe I need to stop looking and
wait for my King to come and breathe on me again….and remind me what
his beautifully terrifying face looks like yet again…you’d think
we’d never forget the face of a lion.”
Peace for Now
Kate
And for your aesthetic appetites, another sneak peek from Kory Kraning’s Personal Training Portrait Shoot…Maybe I’ll blog the whole shoot sometime soon… haha.
